Being Thankful...

My dad has told me this so many times that when he begins this sentence, I can easily finish it. "Remember, when your doing bad and down on your luck, there is always someone out there that is worst off. So thank GOD that your not in their shoes."

My problem is how can I or continue to be thankful for not being worst off when my frame of reference of worst off is what I'm currently experiencing? Is it wrong that I can't look beyond my own issues and put on a happy face day in and day out? Is it wrong that though I have an enormous amount of empathy for those persons who are permanent disabled or ill, that I sometimes lose hope (and/or faith) that my situation will get better?

My dad would say, "Yes!" Some times I agree and other times I beg to differ. Until a person is pushed to their limit or better yet their threshold, you have no clue how you will look or deal with what has been dealt to you. I truly want to wake up each day and smile and thank GOD that I'm here another day to make right all the wrongs from the previous day but then comes my current hurdle.

My mind is 30 and telling me, "Go for it Asya! Just a few months ago you were working an 8 (sometimes more) hour shift, then you would come home and cook yourself dinner, maybe even wash and dry 3 loads of clothes and if you were convinced by one of your good friends, you would step out for a drink or something."

So I get up with all the intention of doing these things that I SHOULD be able to do but the outcome is very sad. I'm too exhausted to walk up and down stairs, so I sit and think, "What all do you need to do up here before you go downstairs because the next time you come back up, your going to bed?" So... I do everything I need to do before I go downstairs and the next thing, I think about is, "What is it I have to do today?" My main priority was to look for a job. Thanks to some great friends of mine, I had the luxury to hold off looking for a job till this past June. But when I was looking for a job, I had to coordinate catching the bus and that took a lot out of me because they didn't run very often. So on top of not getting much rest (joints hurt to bad to sleep well), I have to wake up at the crack of dawn to get on a bus that takes 40 minutes to get to a downtown that's 5 minutes away! *WTF!*

I wont drag this out but I would be gone for 8 hours and only visit possibly two jobs due to poor transportation and my joints stiffening, making it extremely painful to walk. Long story short...I reverted to applying online only ; ) It takes too much out of me to do anything "normal" these days. Cooking, I don't do much anymore cause it's hard to grasp things and again I get worn out. I don't work out anymore cause my range of motion is non- existent with my skin tightening. Hmmm....what else. Pretty much I'm like the shell of my actual self. I secretly try to do dances like the stanky leg or the jerk and my body just doesn't seem to receive the correct message from brain any longer. I get sad but those are the moments that I'm like, "Well at least I don't need help standing up or walking." LOL, some times I need help standing but I only ask for help when I'm around loved ones. Other times I grit my teeth and bear it cause isn't that what I'm expected to do?

You don't see people on Oprah who had trials and tribulations and gave into those urges to give up. No... the people you see on her and anyone else show are the people who don't complain or complain minimally but muster up the strength to persevere through it.

I want to be one of those people and I think with the continually support I get from my family and friends (including yall),I will gain membership in that club of perseverer's (might not be a word but yall get the drift).

Thanks for reading....Peace.